My Doxology

2007-07-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

"The complaint was the answer. To have heard myself making it was to be answered. Lightly men talk of saying what they mean...I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"
--C.S. Lewis in Till We Have Faces

I have been wrestling with a question all summer: Who is Jesus? I have looked at how he lived his life here on earth, the decisions that he made, how he spoke to people, what he thought was important; and yet, I come up feeling dry. I have been babbling on, so to say, about a man named Jesus that I have come to know and trust and believe in, but I have not been saying what I really mean. Does that make sense? All this time, I have had so many things to say. So many things to set straight. So many things that just eat away at me that I fail to be touched by the life of Jesus as I once was.

It is hard to find closure to something when you know it's best you keep quiet.

How do you find closure when you can't even talk to the person about what you're trying to find closure about?

Is that even possible?

I thought it was at one time--to simply move on. I have had to do this many times--just drop something and never speak of it again. But it is so hard! It feels like you lose some of yourself when you have to do that.

But praise God that, in my weakness, I find myself closer to the throne of my King. Praise God that, in our honesty and weakness and nakedness, we are able to find comfort and peace and forgiveness. Praise God that we are not left to struggle alone.

2007-05-14T14:08:00.000-05:00

Summer seems, to me, to be a time of healing or of destruction.

I wonder if it’s possible to have a time that is free from healing or destruction. If you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backward, right?

Two summers ago, it took me all summer to finally heal from a very destructive relationship that I was in. Although I found healing from that experience, the repercussions are still present today.

Last summer, I experienced a time of great destruction in my life. Everything that I had ever clung to or found my hope in was gone, and all I was left with was God. My life as I knew it was destroyed around me, and although I walked away a better and stronger woman, I also was deeply scarred from the experience.

This past year, after coming back from Costa Rica with basically no time to process or readjust, I was thrown into a job and living situation that was not good for my heart. I was torn down almost daily by people who called themselves my brothers in Christ, and was blindsided by a close friend. I have been told over and over again, in ways not so explicit, that I am not worth anything. I am not worth kind words. I am not worth your time. My hard work doesn’t mean anything. I am not changing anything here. Although I recognize all of these words to be lies, they still affect me deeply. They hurt me deeply.

I know that it is possible to find healing where I am right now, and I am. But I need to get away from here. I need to put some physical distance between myself and this place.

I pray that this summer will be a summer of healing for me. A time for me to truly process what I have been through in the past year, and rediscover the woman that God created me to be. I am strong, I am courageous, I am resilient, and I persevere.

Lord, help me to find You.

2007-04-24T15:16:00.000-05:00

When there's nothing to lose and I'm fresh out of hope...

If I were to sum up what I'm feeling into two words, they would be: "I quit." There is just too much. There are too many emotions coursing through my veins, and they change in the blink of an eye without the the common courtesy to notify me first. I am caught between anger at what is going on around me and anger with myself for being angry. What a thin rope to walk.

There is just too much.

Too much is expected of me. Too much is being put on my shoulders. Too much is going on around me, and I feel powerless to stop it. I feel like I have no choice but to silently and passively wait out the storm.

But, then I take a moment. I breathe. I put on my raincoat and make my way into the storm. I move my feet, putting one in front of the other. I go into the storm and pray that it will wash me clean. That I will come out of it stronger and more resilient than when I entered it. That God will help me, despite my anger and exhaustion and sadness and passiveness, God will help me to keep on putting one foot in front of the other until there is more. Until there is more than just moving my feet, until there is more than this overwhelming feeling of helplessness. There will be joy. There will be dancing. I will cry out to my Lord, and He will be present with me and hear my cries. He will reveal to me His will for this world and show me my part in it.

I will wait on Him.

...YOU surround me.

2007-03-21T09:17:00.000-05:00

I lie awake tonight and I watch the sky....

I feel in my heart a deep aching for everything that I once knew and everything that I know is to come. I long for some predictability, but it seems like with every turn, something new comes and knocks me off my feet. I feel like I'm struggling for air. But I know that I have been blessed, and that when I fall, I fall into the grace of Christ, who first redeemed me. I don't know where to go from here, and it is hard to imagine making it through this day. I know that I have been redeemed through the blood of Christ, and He will help me to stand. Sometimes it is just so hard.

...and I wish it didn't have to be so high.

2007-01-26T10:17:00.000-06:00

The question that has been hanging in my mind lately is:
Where do I stand in the tension between waiting and initiating?

Clearly, God calls us to wait patiently and peacefully in Him, but it is also very clear that Jesus calls us to a radical life of initiating change in this world.

Before last summer, I had this glorious vision of what my life in this world was going to look like. I was going to go boldly where no single woman had gone before. I was going to live in a grass hut in Africa, being the change that I wanted to see in this world. I was going to fight injustice until I couldn't fight anymore.

As some of you know, I spent last summer in Alajuela, Costa Rica, working in a nutrition center for kids who couldn't afford to eat. Being alone debilitated me. My feet were knocked out from under me, as was this glorious vision I had in my mind about my weeks in Costa Rica. It took me weeks to find my footing, and when I did, I realized that it wasn't all about this driving passion that pushes you to the edges of the world and back--it is simply about remaining in God. He took my naive images of justice away and showed me the reality of what He was calling me to. I couldn't provide these kids with a safe place to sleep at night. I couldn't take care of them after they left me everyday. All I could do was hold them and feed them and show them the best love that I knew. One child at a time. I finally realized that I couldn't save the world.

So, that is where I find myself now. My passion is not extinguished, but I am not the person I was before I left. I know that God is calling me to something that will bring justice to people who don't have a voice, whether it be refugees in Africa, the impoverished farmers in South America, or children with disabilities in America. I find great peace in knowing that God will complete this work He has begun in me; that this drive and passion that is being refined day by day will be used for good.

But, for now, I am waiting in God, and striving to live each day as I think Jesus would in these shoes of mine.

2006-12-25T23:09:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I question my decision to move down south.
I am a Norwegian-born, Lutheran girl with northern blood running through my veins. I was supposed to marry a good, tall, blonde, Norwegian boy and make Scandinavian babies to keep the tradition alive. I am supposed to be around people who know what lutefisk and lefsa and crumcaca are.

Also, sometimes I really question my future.
I love my family. A lot. Being home is my favorite place to be, although I know I'm not supposed to remain here. I lived in Costa Rica this past summer, and it was one of the hardest experiences of my life. Mostly, probably because I was alone for most of the time, and unable to find the kind of fellowship we all need to survive. But, a lot of the pain I experienced this summer, was from the separation from my family. My family represents to me a resting place. It wasn't always like this, and it has taken many years for our home to become a sanctuary, but now that is exactly what it is. It is my sanctuary. The only things I need to do here are the dishes and laundry. My mom is one of my best friends in the world, and I respect her more than I respect anyone else. When I'm home, we talk for hours. We go on walks, we sit and drink tea, we cook, we give the boys grief...this is my home. I want so desperatley to cling to what I know, what is safe. I fear going too far, although I think that is where I need to go. I have deeper fears that sometimes cripple me, when I am lying alone in bed at night. But those are things that you and I would talk about over a cup of coffee, not over some internet site where I write about what's on my mind.

Today, as is our yearly Christmas tradition, my family and I went to see a movie. We saw "Dream Girls" (which is a pretty good movie), but what got to me most was a preview we saw for "Freedom Writers." If you haven't heard of it, it's a movie about a teacher in LA who basically gives her students a fighting chance at some kind of change in their lives. She changes the whole community through the simple act of giving people a chance to be heard.

I think my problem right now is wanting to know how to get from here to there. I know where I am right now. I have a great life, a great job, a wonderful family, and amazing friends. But I have lost my drive. I have lost a sense of direction. I know what I'm going towards, but I don't know how to get from here to there. I trust, beyond a doubt, that God will be faithful to complete the work He has started in me. I know that God will not abandon me as He reveals His plan to me. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel direction-less. I love God, I am learning to believe that He loves me, but I feel like I am just taking everyday as best as I can with what He has given me. I am not a "day-to-day" person. I am a dreamer, and must work towards some higher goal, or else the day-to-day doesn't seem to mean as much. This all may make very little sense, but it is what I am struggling with before God. But, amidst all the struggle, I know that God is faithful, and that He loves me, and that is all that matters. I make one request of God before I go to bed every night:

"Show me what You want for me."

2006-12-01T19:20:00.000-06:00

God, show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
(Jesus walks with me)
The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now
(Jesus walks)
And I don't think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs
(Jesus walks with me)
I want to talk to God, but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long

To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers, even the strippers
(Jesus walks with them)
To the victims of welfare for we living in hell here, hell yeah
(Jesus walks with them)
Now hear ye hear ye want to see Thee more clearly
I know He hear me when my feet get weary
'Cause we're the almost nearly extinct
We rappers are role models we rap, we don't think
I ain't here to argue about his facial features
Or here to convert atheists into believers
I'm just trying to say the way school needs teachers
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis, that's they way y'all need Jesus
So here go my single dog radio needs this
They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus
That means guns, sex, lies, video taps
But if I talk about God, my record won't get played, huh?
Well, let this take away from my spins
Which will probably take away from my ends
Then I hope this take away from my sins
And bring the day that I'm dreaming about

--Kanye West

2006-11-25T22:23:00.000-06:00

So, a T-Rex was attacking Barret...

It's amazing the dreams you have when your body just doesn't want to quit. For the past couple of days, I haven't been staying up too late and getting up too early, but I've been going to bed ridiculously early and sleeping in wonderfully late. I love being home. I tell my mom this about 20 times a day.

I apologize for my leave of absence...it was a mixture of too many things to write about and not a single thing coming to mind.

One thing I have learned above all is this:

I just want to love.

I have such a hard time with people sometimes. It's hard coming home, and having your home be your work and your work be your home. I don't want tired, thoughtless words to come from my mouth, but they often do. I don't want to make stupid decisions that I decided to do without God, but I do. I don't want to be envious of someone who seems to have everything together, because they don't, and I certainly don't.

I just want to love.

I just want to look at someone and see God in them.

As cheesy as this is, I was sitting in church tonight with my family, and thought: "What if God was one of us?"

Would God be the girl next door who just needs to stay up late and be with someone?

Would God be the person who comes knocking on your door in the middle of the night because they're locked out...again?

What if God was one of them--you know, those people who seem so far removed from us...

The woman who will die tomorrow because she didn't have any clean water to drink.

The child who will die because we, as Americans, decided that it was more important to live in comfort than to feed them.

The young girl who is forced against her will into a life of prostitution.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, guys. We just can't keep giving ourselves to something that doesn't do anything. We need to move forward, we need to help the world move forward. Why else are we here but to love Jesus, and to love others? That is it.

I just want to love.

2006-09-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

I lie awake tonight and I watch the sky
And I wish it didn't have to be so high
'Cause I'm belonging on the other side
And I'm missin' you.
'Cause somehwere behind those stars
Is someone who belongs to me
And I know in my deepest heart
There's a place for you
Until I find the place you made for me
Still I'm missin' you.

I am connected with someone in this world. Whether they are seeing these same stars I see here in Abilene, TX, or half-way around the world...I don't know. I would like to think that I know, but really I don't. I feel ready. I am in a stage of anxious, yet peaceful waiting...sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. How do I fit into this elaborate dance as the woman that God created me to be? How does my mind of a child wrap itself around living, breathing, holy love? I have so much peace, though I feel like God has stirred my heart to restlessness...a waiting that is full of both patience and questioning.

May I walk as if these are Your feet, oh Lord. May I speak as if this is Your mouth.

2006-09-09T16:15:00.000-05:00

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in ceaseless praise
Let them flow in ceaseless praise

Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet, and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee
Swift and beautiful for Thee

Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee
Filled with messages from Thee

Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect, and use
Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose
Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose

Take my will and make it Thine
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne
It shall be Thy royal throne

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself, and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Growing Up

2006-09-06T14:50:00.000-05:00

This is the little girl in Jenny Robinson speaking here.

I'm growing up! I don't know how that kind of snuck up on me, but it did. This summer, I realized that the place I call "home" isn't where I live anymore, although I'm now a junior in college, and haven't lived at home for quite some time. The decisions that I make are getting more and more important, determining the course my life will take after I leave here in two years. The "big" things that I have been praying for years about--mission work, marriage, family, work--those might just be happening before I know it. This is really wierd. A little part of me wants to go back home and schnuggle with my mom and wrastle with my dad and brother (and I will always return and do that), but I feel such a strong pull into the future...it is almost scary. Well, yes, it is scary. God already took me to a foreign land all by myself to refine me and strengthen my faith and dependency in Him...what more is there to come?

These are my simple words of praise and confusion to a God who calls us to a future that is good, and beyond that we need not know anything else. Sometimes I feel like such a little girl, but more often I am feeling this woman that God has called me to be growing up inside of me...it is a noble, scandalous, and wonderful feeling.

I cannot wait to see what comes next.

You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid... --Isaiah 40:9

2006-08-29T00:33:00.000-05:00

Ahh, it feels good to be free.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."--2 Corinthians 3:17

I just can't get over how blessed I am.

It is THAT simple!

Thank You, my Father...you have saved me, and I will rest in Your love.

2006-08-27T13:06:00.000-05:00

I hate it when a lot of people know about a mistake I made.

Especially if it is something I haven't even forgiven myself for yet.

The biggest mistake I made this past summer wasn't what you think of when you hear the word, "mistake". I didn't get drunk or have sex or do anything "wrong" in the eyes of the church.

All I did was forget what God had shown me.

He showed me what He had planned for me, and told me to wait for it, but I went against that. Even though everything in me was screaming at me to wait on the Lord, I let all of my mixed emotions control me. In a time of challenging transitions, I so desperately wanted something here on earth to cling to, and Satan put it right into my hands.

This is my biggest struggle--forgiving myself for making that mistake. My heart cannot fully be at peace until I confess my sins, place everything entirely into God's hands, and recieve His forgiveness. It sounds so simple, and it always has been in the past, but I just feel like it's too much for God to work through. I feel like God placed this amazing blessing and opportunity in front of me, and I blew it.

I have to believe that God still wants what is best for me. I have to believe that God is the God of the universe, and that if He gives the birds of the air and the fish in the sea a future and a home, how much more will He provide for me? I am His daughter, and even though I was so foolish, He still looks on me with love and desires the best for me.

Father, how could I have ever doubted your faithfullness? You have kept me in Your arms through all these years; why did I think you would forsake me now? You will provide for me in the future that You desire and have planned for me. Help me never to forget that we all belong to You, Father, and so to each other as well. Bring peace, Father, where there is anger and doubt. Restore my soul to be fully Yours.

Jenny

2006-08-20T07:42:00.000-05:00

Good morning!

Here I am, at the desk, at 7:37 am. I have been protecting the residents of Barret since 1 this morning, and am happy to report that all is well!

These past couple of weeks have been very overwhelming. Just the act of talking to people, something I hardly did all summer, is hard getting used to again. But, God is being good (more than I deserve), and is teaching me how to live in this very different world. To change the subject, I want to share something that Mark Lewis said the other day in one of our conversations:

"The stuff I read on postmodernism-- all of that is nothing but toilet paper in third world countries."

Mmm.

Now, I understand that it's important to know what kind of general mind-set people in technologically-advanced countries are gravitating towards, but stuff like doctrine and philosophy and theology are in place for people that can afford them.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."--James 1:27

A lot of times, I think that Satan uses things that are originally good, and twists and warps them in order to distract us from the original truth. I'll be bold and say that I think a great deal of theology and doctrine and theories fall into that category. Theology has it's place, but we have to remember why we started having it in the first place...and maybe forget all that theology and go back to what we had in the first place. It's not supposed to be this complicated. God calls us to love Him, love the people He places around us, and care for those that need what we have to give, no matter how far away they may live.

I remember, many years ago, when I first read this verse from James, it sounded so outdated. After all--we don't see a lot of widows and orphans hanging out in our suburbs and in our middle-class churches. Then I started learning about what's going on in the rest of the world. I don't need to quote statistics for you because you've heard them, especially if you go to ACU. If I tell you some new, startling statistic, you might say "wow", and then tell some of your friends about it, but what will you do about it? What will I do about it? I admit--I am guilty of the same thing. It is easier for me to focus on what I see rather than letting God use my resources a world away where I will probably never see the results of my actions. That we would give out of our excess, and after we have given away our excess, to give out of faith that God will provide for us and for those that we are giving to.

We always say "I wish it were that simple." It is. Love God, be Jesus to the world around you, and strive to see Jesus in the world around you.

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."--Matt. 25: 35-36

2006-08-04T22:42:00.000-05:00

All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I have recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them all wash away
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I see
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that You'd understand
You're the only One who's faithful to me.

I have made a lot of mistakes, guys. I have made foolish decisions and done thoughtless things that have hurt people I love. This summer, God took my whole world away from me, and left me with only Him. It was the most painful and purifying experience of my life, and it has left me with the knowledge of how desperately needy I am. I am poor in spirit. I do really stupid things and make hasty decisions based soley on my emotions. For as long as I can remember, I did my best to sweep all of my mistakes where no one could see them, so that people would see the person I thought God wanted them to see. Does that make sense? I was afraid that if people knew my shortcomings, God would not be able to work through me.

Well, all of that is gone now. I am weak, I am needy, I am poor. I am desperately in need of God's grace, and without it, I wouldn't be here today. May I be laid transparent before all people, so that God's glory in His grace may shine like the day through me. May His glory be seen more clearly because of my weaknesses.

"To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare hope that we could become more like Christ." --Brennan Manning in The Ragamuffin Gospel

2006-05-31T00:21:00.000-05:00

In 2 1/2 hours, I will be leaving for the airport.

Yes, that's right--I have to be at the airport at 3:45 in the MORNING!! I don't think anyone should ever have to be anywhere at that time. Ever. BUT, I am so excited.

Why, you ask?

Because I have been waiting for this day for so long. To get on a plane, leave this country, and go do some good. Or, rather, let God use me, hopefully more than I can imagine. Today has been a rough day. You women out there know--there are those days when you just cry. And cry. And cry. I cried a lot today, but by the grace of God, I have a peace that I haven't felt about this trip yet. I feel so unqualified to go try to love women and children who are abused by the people that are supposed to love them. I don't even speak their language...what can I, Jenny Robinson, possibly do?

Nothing.

But, looking back, 2 months from now, I will see the incredible works that God did during these next 9 weeks. This is what I have been waiting for and praying about for four years.

For I am the LORD your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar--the LORD Almighty is his name.

I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand--I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who says to Zion, 'You are my people.'

This is the God that is with me as I leave today, and this is the God that will be with me for the rest of my life, leading me deeper and deeper into His will for this world.

It is our job to bring heaven to earth.

We'd better get started.

2006-05-19T20:02:00.000-05:00

It takes no time to fall in love
But it takes years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes some dust to make it polished

Here are some moments with the 2-day old Johnathan Edward James Trotter that made my birthday one of the best ones I've ever had...

The beautiful Becky Hackler with our little Johnathan

Can I keep him?

Look at him! He would open his eyes every once-in-a-while...so precious.

Becky and our Hot Mamma, Leslee Trotter
The light was hurting her eyes, so I gave her my sunglasses. :)

Wow. I have never held someone so tiny in my arms...I was so afraid that I was going to break him.

Life is a beautiful place to be right now.

La la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is our love
Ah la la la

2006-05-17T22:16:00.000-05:00

There's been a little change of plans.

A couple months ago, the people from the organization I'm going to Costa Rica with asked me if they could place me somewhere similar to an orphanage if the orphanage placements filled up. I said "yes," and here's where God started shaking things up...

I just got my official placement information this week, and here is what I will be doing this summer:

I will be volunteering with El Rostro de Maria, a non-profit organization that provides services to:
-Women with children who were abandoned or abused by their husbands
-Children under 12 who come from broken homes or whose parents struggle with alcoholism or drug abuse
-People over 60 living at or below the poverty level

I will be doing programs with nutrition, education for the women, spiritual guidance, and the list goes on.

Can you see the excitement in my eyes?

2006-05-08T23:56:00.000-05:00

"I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
There are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.'
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him,
to the one who seeks Him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."
--Lamentations 3:19-26

I am getting mixed signals from this world we live in. I'm kind of strange, if you haven't noticed, and the things that I feel called to in this world aren't the most normal either. I'll tell you a secret, though: I don't want to set out on this adventure alone. I don't fear being alone, I don't even think it'd be all that bad. I had a dream once, it wasn't very detailed, but I was with my husband, and the only thing I really remember was a feeling of being understood that I had never experienced before. There isn't much question in my mind that this day will come, but it's the getting there that confuses me.

God keeps on pushing me out into this wild world, daring me to run closer and closer to His heart...to make my home with the suffering, to find my joy and hope in sacrificing all I have for the sake of His children. But, what I am being shown by everything around me is that I have to be sweet and submissive and quiet, and, of course: very cute and pretty. I am all for loving and submitting to my husband, but the kind of life that God has called me to doesn't allow for the comforts that make us feel so safe here. Does that scare people? So many guys make quick judgements about me, making me out to be the perfect person to be in a relationship with, but once they begin to discover what I'm really about, they either feel inadequate or make my calling their own. I don't want that at all. I just want to join someone who is running after the same thing, regardless of me. If that takes 2 days or 20 years, I will do my best to wait on the LORD...to wait patiently for the man God created to be able to handle this crazy girl.

Lord, help me find joy in the waiting.

2006-05-06T01:24:00.000-05:00

Spin me around again...

Today was an amazing day.

I was able to reflect on everything that I am so thankful for, both the painful and the beautiful. The painful has shaped me into the woman that I am today, giving me a strength that is my own, one I have had to fight for. And, I am finding my joy again. God made me go through a long season of frustration and solitude, and now He's bringing me back to where my heart is--in community and joy and true, pure love. AND, I got to dance today...dance is so freeing for me, and to be able to dance with the people I love is an amazing thing. AND, I got to make chocolate-chip pancakes for a dorm-ful of hungry, amazing men. I have been blessed by you, Men of Morris!

Today, when I was running, I got stuck in the rain, and it was so good. I stopped, stretched my arms above my head, felt the wind and rain beating against my body, and just stood there. (Don't tell anyone, but I twirled a little bit too.) I love God a lot, guys, I really do.

I am truly blessed.

God, give me the strength to sacrifice those things that I think I need. I give this all to You.

...and rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets, a mess of people
Would stop holding their heads heavy.

2006-05-01T14:02:00.000-05:00

Untitled Hymn
by Chris Rice

Weak and wounded sinner, lost and left to die
Raise your head for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live.

Now your burden's lifted and carried far away
Precious blood has washed away the stain
So, sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live.

Like a newborn baby, don't be afraid to crawl
Remember when you walk, sometimes you fall
So, fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live.

Sometimes the way is lonely, and steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain
Then cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live.

Oh, and when the love spills over and music fills the night
When you can't contain your joy inside
Then dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live.

With your final heartbeat, kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace and laugh on Glory's side
And fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live.

Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
And live.

I have a confession. I have been very impatient in my surroundings for the past couple of weeks. I have been longing to go to the orphans for years now, and now that I fly out in less than a month, I find my patience for excess lessening by the day...and that is both a good and bad thing. I have the desire to sell all I have, but I also have the desire to convict other people to sell all they have. Is everyone called to live a life of sacrifice, or just some people? Is it ok for some people to drive SUV's that their parents bought them, or does everyone need to strive to live in the minimalistic way that Jesus did? I honestly don't know. I don't have that answer. I would love to talk with someone about this, because I've been wrestling with this alone for far too long.
Days (and months) like this, I am so thankful...and humbled...that Jesus would die just so He could be with me here, in this wrestling, telling me that where He's leading me is where His heart is too. I'm not alone.

Thank you, Father, for comforting me in my confusion...

2006-04-30T09:38:00.000-05:00

"The prevalent fear of poverty among the educated classes is the worst moral disease from which our civilization suffers."
--William James

How is it that people ministering to the poor can choose to live in middle-class houses with running water? How can you choose to not live among the people that you are called to?
How is this truly being Jesus?

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning...The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us."--John 1:1, 14

Jesus dwelt with us...we, who are filthy, lying, lazy sinners. We have nothing compared to the glory of God, but Jesus gave all of that up. He didn't even go live with the religious leaders, He lived with the most simple of people, the poorest of people. Shouldn't the Gospel speak to us about the heart of Jesus? If nothing else, it shows us how He spent His time here, and we need to pay attention to that. We have no excuse, especially not here. What are we going to do?

2006-04-24T01:04:00.000-05:00

"It often has seemed to me that most people instinctively protect themselves from being touched too closely by the suffering of others. They turn from it, and they make this a habit. The tabloids with their presentation of crime testify to the repulsive truth that there is a secret excitement and pleasure in reading of the sufferings of others. One might say there is a surface sensation in the realization of the tragedy in the lives of others. But one who has accepted hardship and poverty as the way of life in which to walk, lays himself open to this susceptibility to the sufferings of others."
--Dorothy Day

Let me tell you a few things about myself:
I am becoming more and more comfortable being free in the woman that God has created me to be.
I plan on surviving off of nothing for a living.
I want to feed people far before I ever give them a Bible.
I don't see myself ever working in a church.
My plans for my life don't currently include anyone else but myself and Jesus...so they will most likely change.
My heart is with a little boy named Amani Kenga who lives in Malindi, Kenya. Both of his parents died when he was one year old. There are over 12 million children just like him, and there will be over 18 million by 2010 if we don't do anything about it.
I see world poverty as inexcusable, and mostly our fault. With great privilege, we have been given great responsibilty. God has sent people straight to hell for ignoring the cries of His children.
This quote will define my marriage: "A perfect love is a world without hunger." (Caedmon's Call)
I am seeing more and more that these qualities that God has placed in me, things that the world tells me aren't meant to be in a woman, will honor my husband more that I know.
I am in love with Jesus, and am completely understood by Him. He knows where I have been, who I am now, and where I am going, and thinks that is utterly beautiful. I can't believe He died just so that He could be with me now.
I am in love with my Creator.

You are beautiful, my sweet, sweet song.

2006-04-23T01:59:00.000-05:00

Wow...today was a long, but glorious day.

It all started out with some good, hardy house/trash pick-up fun with the Outdoors Club, which was so good. Have I mentioned how much I love physical labor? Ahh...I love it. It made me think--what if we went out and asked people around Abilene what they needed us to do...every week. Would anyone be up for a service Saturday every week? I was thinking: maybe cook some breakfast, go out and serve some people, and then eat some lunch together. Great opportunity for fellowship and pure and simple service. God can really say some cool things when you're sweeping Vienna Sausage cans from under a couch. Amen? Amen.

Then, the biggest blessing of my day came driving down from Ft. Worth, TX: Miss Kerby Anderson. Kerby and I spent just about every day and night of our senior year of highschool together, being confused about life and wanting to move to Africa. It is amazing how much God has refined and focussed our passions since then...we still don't know where we want to go in Africa, but all we know is that we'll be living in mud huts next to each other (the Magic 8-ball said so!) Kerby, I was so blessed by you today. I feel like I can just take a deep breath around you! And, next time we're together, we'll be more alert. The Jenga tower will rise again.

After I saw Kerby (Jerby, short for "Gerbil") off, I tried to fix my bike (with little success). I am usually very handy (I know my way around power tools), and so I was boggled when my WD 40 and sand paper couldn't de-rust my seat and make it lower. If anyone has a solution to this, please inform me.

After this disappointment, I got my game on. I beat Joshua Kirby in 5 games of Jenga. You heard me: 5. Here's some documentation:

Game #5. The move before the tower toppled.

Victory!
Darn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

So, in short, today was one amazing day. I am going to bed with a weariness that only comes from being spent from amazing fellowship with amazing people. Ahh...I am in love with my Jesus.

2006-04-19T21:36:00.000-05:00

This past week, I have been struggling to see myself as a bride, both of Christ and of my husband, if God has me marry. I know that God has placed a gentle spirit in me, but He has also made me very driven and passionate about His people and change that needs to be done on earth.
In Revelation 19, God talks about our marriage to Christ:

"Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting:
'Hallelulia! For our Lord God Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory!
For the wedding of the lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.
Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear.'"

And then, later in chapter 19:

"I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire...He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean."

Do you see it? I see God drawing parallels between the pure, spotless bride and the warrior, the armies of God. There is the pure and simple devotion to Jesus, and there is the call to war...and they are both one. That is what I see.

I hear the thunder ripping through the skies, and I hear God whisper,
"You are that bride."

God has made me a warrior, and He will not let me rest until I have sought to bring justice to His nations. I cannot imagine now submitting to a man, my husband. I cannot imagine being a wife. But God has been showing me that there is a man who I will joyfully submit to, because his heart will be with Christ, and I submit my life to Jesus.

2006-04-09T14:08:00.000-05:00

Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.
--1 Corinthians 4:2

God has been showing me more and more that I cannot hide this power He has put inside me for change. In the past, I was able to set my passions aside for a moment, just to be normal, but I can no longer do that. These desires that God has placed on my heart are always at the front of my mind...I cannot escape them. God has confirmed what His will is for me through so many things, but I feel this all picking up a driving force. Yesterday I had a very powerful dream that confirmed to me the life I will be leading after I leave here, and this morning after church, someone prophesied over me, confirming that same thing. I am no longer content being a bystander in this world where there is so much oppression and injustice...heaven needs to be brought to earth, and that won't get done by people sitting around debating theology or saying one thing and doing another. Here at ACU, I am appalled at the amount of money spent keeping people happy. That money could be saving people, feeding people, curing people; but instead it is used to get more money from the alumni or draw a bigger crowd to Sing Song. There is much to be done in this world, and I am no longer content with waiting around for someone else to do it. There are people that need to be fed, children that need a place to rest, and women that need someone to stand up for their rights as human beings. In His Word, God calls us to these people SO many times...so why is it so easy for people who call themselves "Bible scholars" to ignore their cry for help? They are crying out to us, God is crying out to us to go to them, and to comfort His children.

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has recieved from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.
--Isaiah 40:1-2

Don't be content. Get your hands dirty, and take risks for the sake of Christ and for the sake of His children.

2006-04-08T23:50:00.000-05:00